and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize