I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
