had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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