You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
