the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
