Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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