i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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