i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
