Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
time to smoke my breakfast
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
