You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
