i permit you to call me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
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