Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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