I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
