i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
