sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
