I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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