you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
