It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
