So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
