Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
