Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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