we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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