I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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