My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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