maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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