He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
