I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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