ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
