I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
it's like heaven, but drunker
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
