omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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