Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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