seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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