mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just invented taco cereal.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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