Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
