i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
