i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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