I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
