I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Say something about gay babies.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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