Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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