I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
