Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
