My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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