idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
