I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
