Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
