I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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