There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
