Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
