and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
