Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
