When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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