Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
