every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
