I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
