So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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