what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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