If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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