My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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